PRE, DURING AND POST PAE

DIGRESS:

I am a PAE graduate and for the benefit of the uninformed, ‘PAE’ stands for ‘Parasitology and Entomology’. The problem with double-jointed courses is the same with hyphenated surnames: a confusion of origin or legitimacy. A man of W.I.S.D.O.M. (Witty Idiotic Statements Delivered Off-Mind) once opined that the hyphenated surname is an invention of ladies unsure of the paternity of their children. (Day 1: Here goes Mr. Olaide, your father, I think. Day 2: Oh I’m almost sure that it’s Mr. Gasper. You can call him Daddy—hence the name, ’Olaide-Gasper’). I’m not sure if that’s true but it is an interesting opinion.

PRE PAE

Little did I know that I would be studying insects in college. I mean, I dreamed about white coats, having to fiddle with stethoscopes, being excused (even celebrated) for having a bad handwriting, dissing your patients with the most exotic phrases and having them go, ‘Thanks, doc.’ And you reply, ‘Anytime, dear’. And not forgetting going out with all the cute nurses... But no! I end up studying insects. Oy vey!

Before being an entomology student, my acquaintance with insects could best be described as antagonistic. Yeah, I hated them. A case in point; there was this day when I was idle. Adage has it that an idle mind is Mr. Devil Lucifer’s (Oh, its Devil or just Devi; its first name for all my friends!) laboratory. Who knew what he was mixing then? A drop of Pocket itch in 5ml of aqueous Desire adding small quantities of Greed until it precipitates over. But it didn’t change a thing—I was still idle. I looked around my badly cluttered room for something to interest myself in and here was this giant cucaracha, nut-brown and healthy looking on my wall with quivering antennae, its personal radar trying to detect danger. So what did I do? Well, moi has been thinking of taking up karate or kungfu and I thought, ‘Hell, why not a little training session’. I took two steps back, did a short run, leapt in air , leg outstretched and poised at poor little cockroach on the wall. Need I tell you, roach died on impact, squashed under the onslaught of my heel. R.I.P. and all that .Really unfair world, talk about overkill, Ebuka go pick on someone your own size. Sorry, I looked and I couldn’t find a cockroach my own size. But I think you get what I mean by an antagonistic acquaintance.

DURING PAE

Now I am in school, everything’s changed. We are being re-oriented. Six legs good, two legs bad. No more insect killing; they are our friends, our entomology lecturer says, more than they are our enemies. They are the conquerors of land, she says, and are more successful than humans though on that note I beg to differ: my encounter with the above cockroach clearly shows who is more successful. Her advice: Next time a termite colony (Order Isoptera) is feasting on your textbook, refrain from killing it. Just study its feeding habits, periods of quiescence, molting stages and proliferation modes while your study guide is being chewed to pieces.

And when I get home, I have to give my parents the impression that my school fees is well accounted for so it wouldn’t be unusual to find me labeling every crawling arthropod in the house, like in this hypothetical conversation with my mother.

Mother: How was Chuks’ (my cousin) birthday party yesterday?

Me: Oh, boy! What a bummer. The rice was infested with Sitophilus oryzae (rice weevils) and the beans with Callosobruchus maculatus (beans weevils). The vegetables were leftover of Zoonocerus variegatus (grasshoppers) feeding and the meat was tougher than uncooked Loxodonta africanus’ (elephant) flesh. Half the time I ate I spent driving away the Musca domestica (house flies) hovering about like miniature helicopters. As I had to sleep over, I was given a bed which I shared with a colony of Cimex rotundatus (bedbugs) and Anopheles gambiae (mosquitoes) attacked me en-masse. By the way, kill that Araneus marmoreus (spider) before it bites you.

But of course, we will need the services of an interpreter for further effective communication to be actualized.

POST PAE

My four years in school isn’t much of a challenge; after it is. What with the graduate glut in the labor market and the shortage of job opportunities, the course is considered a dead end and no good.

Some experts though think otherwise. Amata (2001) states that you can get employed as a veterinarian, an epidemic consultant, a researcher and even an accountant (I didn’t suggest the last option, I’m just reporting the expert opinion) if you put your mind to it. Uba (2005) reveals the clergy opportunity angle. He points out that armed with an endless cache of scientific names, you could start up a prayer house and effect impressive “speaking in tongues” sessions with the right “in the spirit” ambience. You could get away with, nobody none the wiser except if a fellow biological student graduate happens to be in your congregation! Everest (2005) opines that this, however, could be used to do more harm than good. Check out this hypothetical situation where a barren woman meets this PAE graduate cum pastor to seek an end to her barrenness and the “holy man” goes into prayer: May God cause-ah! a bountiful supply-ah! to your womb-ah! Ancylostoma duodenale Ascaris lumbricoides Taenia saginatus Trichomonas vaginalis Schistosoma mansoni Diphylobotrium latum! Now receive it in faith-ah! , woman! The unwitting woman will most likely respond with a deafening ‘Amen!’. Now if she happens to miscarry or not conceive, she has no basis to blame Satan or anyone else because the culpability really lies with the pastor who has horribly cursed the parasites into her womb!